


Oklahomens!

by ranguvar82



Category: Good Omens (TV), Oklahoma! - Rodgers/Hammerstein
Genre: Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Bickering, Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Flirting, Multi, Musicals, Oklahoma fusion, crowley is a cowboy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:21:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28616481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ranguvar82/pseuds/ranguvar82
Summary: ALL SINGING! SOME DANCING! The fic fusion that nobody asked for! Anthony Crowley is the best cowhand in the Oklahoma territory. Everyone loves him. Everyone, that is, except for Aziraphale Williams, the nephew of Mrs. Tracy. Crowley really wants to change that. But how? Well, through song, of course.Aziraphale doesn't know it, but he's about to be wooed.
Relationships: Anathema Device/Newton Pulsifer, Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), one sided sandalphon/aziraphale
Comments: 28
Kudos: 42
Collections: Good Omens Human AUs





	1. Oh What A Beautiful Morning/Surrey With The Fringe on Top

Oklahomens!

Chapter One: Oh, What A Beautiful Morning/Surrey With The Fringe On Top

The sun was peeking over the vast Oklahoma prairie when Tracy shuffled out of the ramshackle house she shared with her nephew, Aziraphale. Tracy was a slender woman, face and body made hard by hard work and time. She wore a gingham dress, covered by a shawl that had once been dark blue but was now faded almost white by the sun. She walked over to the milk barrel and sat down on the three legged stool. Any minute now, she thought, and strained her ears. Sure enough:

“Oh what a beautiful morning!” The clear tenor voice carried well, and Tracy smiled. “Oh what a beautiful day!” The owner of the voice came into view and winked cheekily at Tracy. “I got a beautiful feelin, everything’s going my way!”

Tracy smiled at Anthony Crowley. He was such a wonderful man. And so handsome, with his fire red hair that went down to his shoulders, wide, golden eyes, high, sharp cheekbones, and legs that could make a filly do anything he wanted.

“Hiya, Tracy!” Crowley said into her ear, and she pretended to be shocked.

“Agh! What’re you doing here?”

Crowley grinned that grin that made every young lady in the county go weak in the knees. “Well, I...I’m here to serenade you!” He declared. “Oh, the sounds of the earth are like music, yes the sounds of the earth are like music. The breeze is so busy, it don’t miss a tree, and an old weepin’ willow, she’s laughing at me!” He sang, his arms out. Tracy patted his arm.

“Oh what a beautiful day.” Crowley finished. Tracy looked over at him.

“If’n I was younger, and a man, I’d get myself hitched to you, keep you at home and let ya sing to me all day long.”

Crowley snorted. “You would not, cuz I wouldn’t marry you. Nor any of your kin.”

Tracy stared at him. “Nor any of my kin, huh?”

“Yeah. Especially not that high hat nephew of yourn, Mr. Aziraphale Williams. He ain’t worth the trouble.” Tracy scoffed. “Uh, incidentally, Tracy, if I was to ask you where Aziraphale is, where would you say he was?” Crowley asked, most certainly not blushing.

It wasn’t as if Aziraphale wasn’t the most gorgeous man he had ever laid eyes on. Crowley could still remember their first meeting, and how tongue tied he had been at seeing such a vision. “So, um, where’s he at? Not that I’m asking! I don’t care. Just, sorta curious.”

“What makes you think I’d tell you? Far as I can tell, Aziraphale don’t want nothing to do with you.” Tracy said, hiding a grin. Crowley huffed.

“Well, why not? I ain’t that bad looking, am I?”

“Handsome as the day is long.”

“Well...I’m good with horses, ain’t I? Won every rodeo contest!”

Tracy nodded. “No man better.”

Crowley flopped onto the seat of an old wagon. “Well, what else does he want, the damn he mule?!”

“I dunno, but it ain’t you.” Tracy said. Crowley looked so shocked that she couldn’t help but laugh.

“Oh what a beautiful morning...” the bass voice made Crowley straighten up, and he ran his fingers through his hair, trying to look suave as the man he had a massive crush on came out of the house, the washing in his hands. Crowley gulped, watching as the sun caught that gorgeous white hair and made it into a halo. Aziraphale had on cream colored dungarees over a white button up shirt, and his feet were bare. Crowley loved how cute he looked in those dungarees. “Oh what a beautiful day...” Aziraphale looked over at Crowley. “Oh. I thought you were somebody.” He started hanging out the sheets, glaring in contempt at Crowley. “Is this all that’s come to visit and not even ten o clock on a Saturday?”

Crowley snorted. “You knew it was me, Angel.”

“Did not.” Aziraphale looked over at him, and as always Crowley found himself captivated by those blue eyes. “I knew no such thing.”

Crowley frowned. “You liar, you knew. You heard me singing.”

Aziraphale shrugged. “I heard something that sounded like a cat being strangled, true. Was that you?”

“You know damn well it was, and I do not sound like that. Keep up the attitude, Aziraphale Williams, and I may just change my mind about taking you to the social tonight!” Crowley said, arms crossed. Aziraphale turned and walked towards the house. “I mean it. I was all set on askin’ ya, but maybe now I won’t! How you like them apples?”

“I never said I was going, and even if I were, what makes you think I’d go anywhere with you? You don’t even have a rig to take us. Bet you expect me to ride on old Bentley.”

“Hey, she’s not old. But nah, if’n I was going to take you, which I ain’t, there’d be a way.”

Aziraphale turned and faced him, arms crossed. “Oh yes?”

Crowley grinned. “When I take you out tonight with me, Angel, here’s the way it’s gonna be.” He sauntered over to Aziraphale, putting an arm around him. “You will set behind a team of snow white horses, in the slickest gig you’ve ever seen.” Aziraphale looked over at him. Crowley smirked.

“Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in the surrey, when I take you out in the surrey with the fringe on top.” He sang into Aziraphale’s ear. “Watch that fringe and see how it flutters, when I drive them high steppin’ strutters, nosy folks’ will peek through the shutters and their eyes will pop!” Aziraphale blushed, and Crowley chuckled. “The wheels are yellow, the upholstery’s brown, the dashboard’s genuine leather, with isonglass curtains we can roll right down, in case there’s a change in the weather!” He made a rolling gesture. “Two bright side lights winking and blinking, ain’t no finer rig I’m a thinkin, you can keep your rig if yer thinking that I care to swap! For my shiny little surrey with the fringe on the top!”

Tracy whistled. “Would you say the fringe was made of silk?”

Crowley nodded and hopped back onto the wagon. “Wouldn’t have no other kind but silk!”

Aziraphale approached. “Does it really have a team of snow white horses?”

Crowley shrugged. “One’s like snow. The other’s more like milk.”

Tracy grinned. “So you can tell them apart.” Crowley gestured for Tracy to join him. She clambered onto the wagon seat.

“When we hit that road, hell fer leather! Cat’s an’ dogs will dance in the heather, birds and bees will sing all together, and the toads will hop! In that shiny little surrey with the fringe on the top!” Crowley belted out. Tracy sighed.

“You sure would feel special, sitting up in a rig like that.” She said to Aziraphale. Crowley stuck his tongue out at the blond.

“Only, he’s being so high hat that I’ve a good mind to not let him ride in it.”

Aziraphale snorted. “Who said I wanted to ride in it? Where’d you find such a thing, anyway?” He blinked, then began laughing. “I bet you went and hired it, thinking that I’d wanna ride with you! You went and spent every dime getting a rig, and now you have no one to ride with you!” Aziraphale howled in laughter. Crowley’s face darkened.

“I did not hire it! I made it up!”

Aziraphale stopped laughing. “Made it up?”

Crowley preened. “Yup. Dashboard and all.” He yelped when Aziraphale picked up a clod of dirt and threw it at him. “Oi!”

“Get off the place, you...you...bastard! Aunt Tracy, make him get off! Coming here, telling me lies, filling my head up with all those images! Get out of here!” Aziraphale yelled, chasing after Crowley with a trowel that he picked up. Crowley dodged.

“Hang on now! All I did was tole you a nice story, made up a few pretties. That ain’t against any law I know of!” He said from behind the sheets. Aziraphale snarled and slashed out at him. Crowley grabbed his hand and wrestled the trowel away. “You ain’t got no reason to be so worked up, Angel. So I made somethin’ up. But wouldn’t it be nice if it was real? You could go to the social, stay as long as you liked, then I’d drive you home.” He put an arm around Aziraphale. “I can see the sky getting blurry, as we ride back home in the surrey...”

Aziraphale sighed, resting his head on Crowley’s shoulder.

“My angel, he’s sleeping, angel got a dream worth keeping. Whoa, team, just keep a creeping at a slow clip clop. Don’t you hurry with the surrey with the fringe on the top.”

Aziraphale shook himself. “But you said yourself, you made it up! Oh, why’d you have to come onto the place anyway, getting me at sixes and sevens!” He cried, stomping away.

“Crowley, why don’t you just grab him and kiss him?!” Tracy asked. “He’s just aching for you to!”

Aziraphale spun on his heel. “I wouldn’t speak to him, let alone allow him to kiss me, the snake hipped, low life wished he had a fella degenerate!” And with that, he went into the house, slamming the door behind him.


	2. Kansas City

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our two dumbasses continue to dance around each other, and Newt returns from Kansas City with news.

Chapter Two: Kansas City

Tracy grinned at the red headed demon as he glared petulantly at the door her nephew had just stormed through. “He likes you. Quite a lot.”

Crowley’s heart gave a treacherous lurch, but his expression remained the same. “Yep, he sure does. If he liked me any better, he’d sic the dogs onto me.”

Tracy cackled. She loved her nephew quite a lot, but she knew that Aziraphale could be as stubborn as a mule when it came to admitting his feelings for the cowboy. Crowley too was just as bad, blushing and acting all flighty whenever he thought Aziraphale wasn’t looking, and being sarcastic and snarky whenever he was.

“Tracy, I wanna ask you something.” Crowley said, trying and failing to look nonchalant. “Who’s the low, sneaky, no account varmint that Aziraphale’s pining after?”

“Oh, that would be you.” Tracy said firmly, her hands on her hips. Sometimes she wanted to take both men and knock some ever blessed sense into them. It was maddening, watching the way they danced around each other, hearts in both their eyes.

Crowley snorted. “Yeah, okay. But come on, really. There’s gotta be some fella that’s sparking him.”

Tracy settled into her rocking chair. “Well, there’s that Raphael fella. Farmer, lives across the field. Seen him making small talk with Aziraphale. Then there’s Remiel. Older guy, runs the grocery.”

The sound of footsteps made Crowley turn. Sandalphon Fell, the hired hand, came walking by, a load of wood in his arms. “Hey.” Crowley said, just to be polite. He didn’t like Sandalphon.

“Hey yourself.” Sandalphon grunted, heading towards the woodshed. He glared at Crowley as he ducked under the clothesline.

“Then of course, there’s another fella, got Aziraphale on his mind so often he sometimes forgets to work.” Tracy observed.

Crowley felt a surge of real anger. That brutish lout, with his angel?! No way in Hell. Aziraphale was far too precious of a gem to be sullied by the likes of him! “Wot, him? That dirty, low...”

“Hey now, don’t you say one bad word ‘bout him. Sandalphon’s the best damned hired hand I ever did have. You know how hard takin’ care of a farm this big is. Well, Aziraphale and I couldn’t handle it ourselves. Sandalphon practically runs the place.”

“But uh, you think Aziraphale likes him?” Crowley asked, his stomach in knots.

“Never said that.”

“But uh, he lives here, don’t he?”

Tracy rolled her eyes. “Yeah, in the smokehouse.”

Crowley huffed. The very idea of Sandalphon putting his filthy, scummy hands on the porcelain skin of his angel, marking Aziraphale up like that, was horrible. Crowley examined his own dirt caked and callused hands. Not that he was any better. But it would be different, with him. He would mark Aziraphale up so gently, caress that soft, white skin, leave the marks of his fingers as he sucked a kiss into that smooth neck, then nibbled on those soft, plump lips, making the angel moan into his mouth, before moving down to…

“Crowley!” A voice jolted him out of his thoughts, and he prayed to whoever would listen that his erection wasn’t visible. He glared daggers at the cowboy in front of him.

“What, Ike?”

Ike tried not to grin. He knew what that snappish attitude meant. Crowley had been day dreaming about Tracy’s nephew again. Ike had known Crowley all his life, and the revelation that Crowley was interested in fellas hadn’t bothered him one whit. “What’s on yer mind? Thinking of blond hair and blue eyes?” He teased, chuckling when Crowley went as red as his hair.

“Shut up.” Crowley hissed, his entire body hot with embarrassment. Ike laughed.

“Sorry. Anyway, I came over to ask you if you got it yet.”

“Got...son of a bitch, I forgot! Oi, Tracy!”

Tracy turned from where she was talking to Shadwell, a local farmer and the county judge. “Yeah?”

“Can we borrow yer big wagon? There’s some people coming up from the next town over for the box social, and well, I was s’posed to ask you earlier, but I got a bit distracted.”

Tracy shrugged. “It’s fine with me.”

Ike spoke up. “We’d also like to borrow a rig so’s we can go to the station. Train’s coming in.”

Tracy wrapped her shawl around her shoulders. “You can take me with you. Something personal I got to pick up.”

Crowley gulped. “Well, uh...I’ll just um...go hitch the horses...” He nearly tripped over his own feet.

Ike helped Tracy up onto the rig, then clicked his tongue. The horse set off for the station. “So when will those two idiots stop dancing around each other?”

Tracy laughed. “That is a very good question.”

Aziraphale peeked out from behind the curtains, watching as Crowley hitched the horses to his Aunt’s wagon. He handled them so well, spoke so gently to them. Aziraphale wondered what it would be like to have those hands on him, to hear that gentle voice in his ear as Crowley caressed him, those lips on his skin, long, slim fingers sliding down…

Crowley looked up and into the window. Aziraphale yelped and yanked the curtains closed, his heart pounding. He sank to the floor, blushing hard. There was no way someone as gorgeous as Crowley would be interested in him.

Tracy beamed at the object on the counter. Aziraphale was going to love it. She replaced the top on the box, and the clerk tied it closed with twine.

“Tracy!” She turned and beamed at the young man who had entered the store.

“Newt! Well, welcome home!” She pulled the young cowboy into a tight hug. Newt embraced her back. “How did the ropin’ contest go?”

Newt grinned. “I won! Licked em all!” Tracy whooped and hugged him again.

“Knew you would. You got your luggage outside?”

“Yeah, but even better. You know how Shadwell tole me if I got fifty bucks he’d let me marry Ana? Well, guess what the prize money was?”

“Sake’s alive! Was that what they gave ya?” Tracy said, delighted, as they walked out of the store. Newt went over to his luggage.

“Yep, and now he’s gotta say yes. Wouldn’t be a man of his word if’n he didn’t.”

Tracy sighed. “Supposing he still says no?” She knew how temperamental the old Army Sergeant could be.

Newt snorted. “Then I’ll take her anyway. Sides, if he’s mean to me, I won’t let him have the presents I got for him! Hey, fellas!” He motioned Ike and a few others over. “Wanna see what I got for Ana’s paw?”

He pulled a small brass telescope out of his bag. “See, this is the best one.”

“What’s that?” Tracy asked. Newt’s cheeks pinked a bit.

“Uh, pardon us, Aunt Tracy.”

Tracy huffed. “Oh, very well.”

Newt passed the telescope over to Ike. “Look in there.” Ike looked, blinked, then looked again and laughed raucously. “Now, you turn it like this...” Newt demonstrated, “And the picture changes.”

Ike roared. The others began clamoring, demanding a turn. Tracy rolled her eyes. “Bunch of baboons.” She slipped into the line, and the cowboy next to her placed the telescope in her hands without realizing it. She held it up to her eye. “Poor girl must be dyin’ of cold, dressed only in that flimsy thing.” She grinned at the shocked faces. “Someone wanna show me how to get th’ other picture? Wait, never mind, I got it. Well!” She handed the telescope back to Newt. There was a long, awkward silence, then Tracy burst out laughing. “Boy, you must have seen some things in Kansas City!”

Newt nodded. “Yeah, I shore did. I got to Kansas City on a Friday. By Saturday I learned a thing or two. Cause up ‘till then I really had no idea of what this modern world is coming to.” Newt pointed out towards the street. “I must have counted twenty gas buggies going by themselves, almost ever’ time I took a walk. Then I put my ear to a Bell telephone, and a strange woman started in to talk!”

“What, to you?” A cowboy asked. Newt nodded.

“What next?” Another asked. Newt laughed.

“What next? Well, I’ll tell ya. Everything’s up to date in Kansas City! They’ve gone about as far as they can go! They went and built a skyscraper, seven stories high. Bout as high as a building ought to grow! Everything’s like a dream in Kansas City, it’s better than a magic lantern show! You can turn the radiator on whenever you want some heat, and with every type of comfort every house is all complete. You can walk to privies in the rain, and never wet your feet. They’ve gone about as far as they can go.”

“Oh, I ain’t told this best bit yet. They got this big theater, call it a burleecue. Fifty cents, and you see a dandy show.”

“Gals?” Ike asked. Newt nodded, grinning.

“Let me tell you, those were some fine specimens of femaledom. One of the gals was fat an’ pink an’ pretty, as round above as she was round below!” Newt said, forming the shape with his hands. “I could swear that she was padded from her shoulder to her heel, but later in the second act, when she began ta peel...well, she proved that everything she had was absolutely real!” The men whooped in laughter. Tracy sighed.

“She went about as far as she could go!”

Newt giggled. Tracy sighed again and nudged him. “Come on, let’s get going. Daylight’s wasting, and I know you’re eager to see Ana.”

“I sure am.”

Aziraphale had sneaked ‘round to the back of the house so he could watch Crowley more closely. The cowboy was sitting on the wagon, his hat off, and the sun was hitting his red hair, making it look like it was on fire. Crowley stretched, and his shirt lifted up, giving the blond a tantalizing glimpse of tanned skin. Aziraphale stuffed his fist in his mouth to keep from moaning. Damn that insufferable man for being so damned handsome! Aziraphale straightened. He was a grown man. He wasn’t going to be swayed by some no account, snake hipped degenerate who probably never so much as cracked open a book!

He turned and stomped back to the house, head held high.

Behind him, Crowley tried not to grin.

“I can wait, Angel. For however long it takes.”


	3. I Can't Say No

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anathema returns, Aziraphale makes a rash decision, and our boys continue to be pining idiots.

Chapter Three: I Can’t Say No

Aziraphale made himself as comfortable as he could. He was currently **not** hiding in the corn reading so he wouldn’t have to see Crowley when he came back with the others. It was just that, well, the cornfield was peaceful, and the rustling made for nice background noise. He opened his book-one of the few that had been left to him by his mother, rest her soul,-and began reading. 

His treacherous mind drifted from the poetry on the page to Crowley. Aziraphale knew the cowboy could read, and was, in fact, one of the few who could. Aziraphale wondered what it would be like to have Crowley read to him, that rich honey voice speaking the words on the page. Aziraphale sighed. Figured that the first poem in the book was a love poem, and very suggestive when one read between the lines. 

Damn it. He angrily turned the page. He was not going to think about red hair, golden eyes, sharp cheek...”Stop it, Aziraphale!” He chastised himself. This was getting ridiculous. The man was insufferable. It didn’t matter how handsome he was. Plus he was an outrageous flirt, always making the ladies laugh and blush with his antics. 

Aziraphale always tried to ignore the raging inferno in his chest whenever he saw Crowley flirt with someone. He wasn’t jealous. That was patently ridiculous. Crowley was just exasperating.  If he hadn’t been, Aziraphale would never have done what he did. 

“Fine goods for sale! Fine goods for sale!” The voice echoed, and Aziraphale thought he recognized it as belonging to a traveling salesman named Ligur. Curious, he closed his book and made his way toward the road. Sure enough, the peddler was coming up the road, hauling his wagon behind him. Ligur was tall, with dark skin and eyes. “Fine goods for sale!” His deep voice reverberated, and Aziraphale rolled his eyes, then gaped at a figure trailing after the wagon. 

“Anathema!” 

The figure stopped, turned, then grinned, and Anathema Shadwell, Aziraphale’s oldest and best friend, came rushing over in a rustle of skirts to pull him into a tight hug. “Aziraphale!” Aziraphale hugged back just as tight. “I’m so happy to see you!”

“Aziraphale Williams?” Ligur had come over. “Boy, last time I saw you you were a tiny thing, with freckles. You’ve grown.”

Aziraphale shrugged. “I have. Ana, how are you?”

Ana blushed, looking over at Ligur. “I’m good.” 

Ligur brushed her cheek with his finger. “Listen, darling, I’m gonna go on ahead, okay? You and Aziraphale catch up.” He kissed her hand, then continued on down the road. Ana giggled. 

“Isn’t he wonderful?”

“Charming.” Aziraphale said dryly. Ana sighed and looked over at him. 

“Oh, don’t be that way! You know how I get when a fella talks nice to me.”

Aziraphale shook his head. “Newt’s back.” He said nonchalantly. Ana gasped. 

“Really? Darn it. Now I gotta be with him.”

Aziraphale gaped at her. “Ana, you can’t keep going from fella to fella. It isn’t right.”

Ana pouted. “But it’s fun. No, come on, Zira, you ‘member how it was? Fellas never paid me no heed because I was skinnier than a rake and flatter than a beanpole. But then last summer, I sorta, well, filled out.” She indicated her rather ample bosom. “ Now I’m getting all sorts of attention, and well, I get all shaky when a guy talks pretty to me.”

“Really, my dear, have some modicum of control.”

Ana smirked. “Like you do whenever Crowley looks in your direction?”

Aziraphale blushed to the roots of his hair. “This isn’t about me! It’s about you. You must know what you’re doing is wrong.”

Ana shook her head. “It’s not so much a question of not knowing what to do. I’ve known right from wrong since I was ten.” She sang. Aziraphale sighed. “I’ve heard a lot of stories and I reckon they are true, about how girls are put upon by men.” Ana made the Sign of the Cross. “I know I mustn’t fall into the Pit. But, when I’m with a fella...I forget!”

“I’m just a girl who can’t say no! I’m in a terrible fix!” She belted out, and Aziraphale rolled his eyes. “I always say, ‘Come on, let’s go!’ , just when I ought to say nix!” She touched her lips, her eyes closed. “When a person tries to kiss a girl, I know she ought to give his face a smack!” Ana mimed slapping someone. “But as soon as someone kisses me, I somehow sorta wanna kiss him back!” She looked over at Aziraphale. “I’m just a fool when lights are low, I can’t be prissy and quaint! How can I be what I ain’t? I can’t say No!” 

Aziraphale turned a page in his book. “Learn.” 

Ana sighed and plucked the book from his hands. “What you gonna do when a fella gets flirty, and starts to talk pretty? Whatcha gonna do?”

Aziraphale reached for his book, but Ana held it out of reach. “Ana, my book?”

“Supposing that he says that your lips are like cherries, or roses, or berries? What you gonna do?”

“I’m sure I wouldn’t know. Crowley would nev...” He broke off, blushing furiously, and Ana smirked. 

“Supposing that he says that you’re sweeter than cream, and he’s gotta have cream or die? What you gonna do when he talks that way? Spit in his eye?”

“Ana...” Aziraphale was whining now, and he didn’t care. 

“I’m just a gal who can’t say no! Can’t seem to say it at all! I hate to disappoint a beau, when he is payin’ a call. For a while I act refined and cool, sittin’ on a velveteen settee, then I think of that old Golden Rule...and do for him what he would do for me!”

“ANATHEMA!” Aziraphale’s scandalized gasp made her cackle. 

“I can’t say NO!” She finished, then huffed. “Suppose I better go see Newt. He’s probably waiting for me.”

“Well, at least you haven’t taken up with that peddler. Have you?”

Ana shook her head as they walked down the road. “Nah, not yet. I do like him a lot, though. There’s nobody like him.”

“That’s not always a good thing, Ana. He’s a peddler. They don’t stay in one place. Newt’s...well, he’s dependent, and he loves you quite a lot.” Aziraphale said as they approached the house. 

“Yeah, he’s alright. But guess what Ligur told me? He said he wanted to drive me right to the end of the world! Don’t that mean he wants to marry me?” 

“Why on earth would it mean that?” Aziraphale asked, incredulous. Ana huffed. 

“Well, if we drove all night, we’d end up in Claremore, right? And then we’d have to get a room someplace, and sharing a room together means you’re married, don’t it?”

“Not to a peddler, it don’t.” Tracy came around the corner. “You’re looking good, Ana. Now, what peddler we talkin’ about?” 

At that moment, Ligur came around the corner.  Tracy’s eyes widened in anger. “Why, it’s that peddler! The smooth talker that sold me that eggbeater, remember?”

“Was that the one that fell apart the moment you tried beating an egg?” Aziraphale inquired. 

“That’s the one. Hey! Peddler man!”

Ligur turned and gave her his most winning smile. “Madam?”

Tracy glared at him. “Don’t you Madam me. You remember that eggbeater you sold me? You swore up and down that not only would it beat my eggs, but turn my ice cream, remove nails from wood, and all sorts of things!”

Ligur spread his hands out, still smiling. “If the eggbeater didn’t work, I’ll offer you something just as good.”

“Just as good? It better be a million times better! What you got?”

Ligur rummaged in his wagon and pulled out two silk blue garters. “Special, all the way from Paris. Real silk. Here, try one on.” 

Tracy sat in her rocker and lifted one boot clad foot. Ligur began to slip the garter on, then grunted as he suddenly found himself deposited a few feet away. “Hey!”

“If you think I was gonna let you just slide your hand up my leg, you got another think coming!” Tracy turned to her nephew and Ana, who were both breathless from laughter. “Aziraphale, come hold my petticoats so Ana can get this thing on.”

It was a bit of a struggle, but they managed. Tracy looked over at Ligur. “Well, what about the other one?”

“The other? Oh, you mean you want to buy a matched set!”

Tracy shot out of her rocker. “You give me that one, or I’ll go get that eggbeater and ram it down your windpipe.” Ligur blanched and handed it over. “Thank you.”

Ligur huffed. “Well, is anyone going to buy something? You, Aziraphale, there must be something you want.”

Aziraphale had taken the rocker. “Oh, yes, lots of things. I want shoes with silver buckles. I want a brocade coat with lace trim. I want a first edition Oscar Wilde. I want to smell like sandalwood. I want...things that you can’t buy. Things that, if they happened to me, my heart would burst and I’d die. I wanna be able to make my mind up.”

Ligur grinned and pulled a bottle out of one of the many drawers in his wagon. “Got just the thing for you. The Elixir of Egypt.”

Tracy snorted. “Smelling salts.”

“A special kind of smelling salt. You take a sniff, and all your problems are answered.”

Aziraphale snatched the bottle. “How much?” 

“Two bits.” 

Aziraphale gave Ligur the money. 

Voices came from around the corner, and Tracy went to greet everyone that had arrived. Crowley spotted Aziraphale staring at some sort of bottle and sneaked over. “Hiya, Angel!”

Aziraphale shrieked and nearly dropped the bottle. “Crowley, don’t do that!”

“Sorry.” Crowley said, not looking sorry in the least. “But I got something to tell you. I got that rig I tole you about. Still too high hat to go with me?”

Aziraphale gulped. “Uh, I, that is...”

“Miss Tracy?” Sandalphon came around the corner. “I just wanted to tell you that I done all my chores, and I’m gonna get cleaned up so I can drive Aziraphale to the social tonight.” He headed towards the smokehouse. 

“HOLD ON!” Crowley’s shout made everyone turn. “What do you mean, ‘drive Aziraphale to the social?’ He ain’t goin’ with you?!”

Aziraphale was bright red. Sandalphon smirked at Crowley. “Yeah he is. I asked him and he said yes.”

Aziraphale stared at the ground. Crowley turned and glared at him, hurt. “Angel, you ain’t goin’ with him, are ya?”

“Well...well...it’s your own damn fault!” Aziraphale sputtered. “You an’ your….you...”

“My what, Aziraphale? My what?!” Crowley was on the verge of shouting now, but he didn’t care. “Oh, go with him! What do I care?! I gotta go unhitch the horses.” He spun on his heel and began to stalk away. 

“Hey Crowley?” Uriel Cummings approached him, a simpering smile on her face. “Mind if I come with you? Just love watching you handle horses.”

Crowley glared at Aziraphale, who squeaked in embarrassment. “Bout all I can handle.”

“Now, that can’t be true.” Uriel batted her eyes. Crowley grinned and took her arm. 

“You can keep your rig if you’re thinking that I care to swap! For that shiny little surrey with the fringe on the top!” He sang out before escorting Uriel down towards the wagon. 

Anathema and Tracy exchanged glances. Ana spoke first. “They’re idiots.”

“Yep.” Tracy agreed as she watched her nephew trying not to cry. “That they are.”


	4. Many A New Day/People Will Say We're In Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys continue to deny their feelings.

Chapter Four: Many A New Day/People Will Say We’re in Love

“Ligur, wait! I wanna ask you something.” Ana came over to the wagon. “When you said that thing you said, did you mean it?”

Ligur blinked at her. “Mean what, doll?”

Ana blushed and twirled a strand of hair between her fingers. “You know. That thing you said ‘bout driving me to the end of the world?” She asked, batting her eyes. Ligur sighed.

“Look, baby, I didn’t mean to the literal end of the world. But we could maybe drive all night, find some Paradise at the end?”

Ana giggled. “What’s Paradise look like?”

Ligur put an arm around her shoulders. “Well, you and me drive until the sun goes down. We get to that hotel in Claremore, I get us the honeymoon suite, and boom! We’re in paradise.”

“Oh, Ligur! I knew I was right and Aziraphale was wrong! You do wanna marry me!”

Ligur jerked away from her like she was on fire. “Hold on, what?!”

“That’s what you meant, right? Oh, Ligur!”

Ligur backed away, his hands out. “Whoa, whoa, I never said that! Hold your horses, kid! Nobody said nothin’ about marrying anyone!” He babbled. “Why don’t you just take a step back, doll.”

Ana sniffled. “But I thought...”

“Oh, Ana, dollface, don’t cry, okay? C’mon, honey, smile for me. Come on, you pretty little thing.”

Ana giggled. “I can’t stay mad at you!” She threw herself somewhat clumsily into Ligur’s arms. “I know you’re gonna wanna marry me! Oh, Pa’s gonna be so surprised!”

“Yeah.” Ligur laughed, trying to hide his mounting horror. “That makes two of us.”

“Surprised about what?” Shadwell came around the corner, a brace of rabbits dangling from one hand. “Hey Ana. Heard Newt’s back.”

“Yeah. I’ll go talk to him later. I want you to meet someone, Pa. This here’s Ligur Cameo.”

Shadwell looked Ligur up and down. “What’s your business with my little girl?”

Ligur couldn’t help but notice the shotgun. “Err, nothing, Sir. Nothing at all.”

“Oh, Ligur, you don’t have to hide all the pretty things you’ve called me. He called me his little kitten.”

The shotgun was suddenly right in Ligur’s face. Shadwell was glaring at him. “That true? You call my little girl that?”

“Uh..uh...uh...”

“He did. And lots of other pretty things, too.”

Ligur gulped. “I...um...Ana, isn’t that Newt?” He pointed over their shoulders. “You talked about him enough times.”

Ana turned and beamed at the young man that was coming down the path. “Newt!”

“Ana!” He ran over to her, pulling her into his arms. “How you doing, sweetie?”

“Well, I’m alright.”

Newt beamed. “C’n we go someplace and talk? Private?”

Ana looked over at her Pa and Ligur. “Put the gun away, Pa. Ligur’s alright. Ligur, this is Newt.”

They shook hands. Newt turned to Ana. “Come on.”

Newt and Ana walked down the path a bit. “You ain’t sparkin’ that Ligur fella, are you?”

Ana shook her head. “No I ain’t. But more important, did you get the money to give to Pa?”

“Well, not exactly. I got him some presents.”

Ana’s face fell. “Newt, he ain’t gonna accept presents.” She sighed and sat on the ground. Newt sat next to her.

“I’ll figger something out, Ana. I ain’t gonna lose you.”

Ana laid her head on Newt’s shoulder.

The comfortable silence was broken by a high, obnoxious laugh. “Ugh.” Newt groaned. “That Uriel Cummings has a laugh like a rusted iron gate.” They watched as Uriel came down the road, followed by a very morose: “Crowley!”

Crowley stopped. “Oh. Hey Ana.” He sounded utterly defeated. “How you doin’?”

Ana stood. “You alright?”

“Peachy.” The cowboy drawled. “Just peachy.”

“Look, Crowley...”

“I don’t wanna talk about it, okay?” Crowley turned on his heel and stalked away. Anathema and Newt exchanged glances, then by silent agreement headed in the direction of Tracy’s house.

Aziraphale was sitting in the rocker, resolutely trying to look like he hadn’t been crying. There were a few of the ladies from the next town over around him, patting his back and whispering in his ear. “He ain’t worth it, honey. You don’t need to be crying over him.”

“I was not...I was not crying over that no account snake!” Aziraphale insisted. He swiped at his eyes.

“Why should a fella who is healthy and strong, blubber like a baby if his man goes away? Weeping and wailing how he’s done me wrong?” Aziraphale shook his head emphatically. “That’s one thing you’ll never hear me say! Never gonna think that the man I lose is the only man among men!” He snapped his fingers. “I’ll snap my fingers to show I don’t care!” He ran his hands down his dungarees. “I’ll buy me a brand new coat to wear! I’ll scrub my neck, and I’ll brush my hair, and start all over again!”

He stood up and faced the girls. “Many a new face will please my eye, many a new love will find me! Never have I looked back to sigh, over the romance behind me! Many a new day will dawn before I do!”

Aziraphale walked down the steps. “Many a light lad may kiss and fly, a kiss gone by is bygone! Never have I asked an August sky, where has last July gone? Many a new day will dawn before I do. Never have I chased the honeybee, who carelessly cajoled me. Somebody else just as sweet as he cheered me and consoled me!” He lifted his head to the sky. “Many a red sun will set, many a blue moon will shine, before I do!” With that, he turned and headed back into the house.

He went into the kitchen and began rolling out pie dough. Once the dough was formed, he added in minced beef, some mushrooms, and carrots. Tracy came over. “Beef and mushroom pie, huh? Ain’t that Crowley’s favorite?”

Aziraphale blushed. “I wouldn’t know.” He lied, like a liar. “I like it too.” Tracy blinked at him as he crimped the top crust and slid it into the oven. “Aunt Tracy, you gonna go with Crowley to the social tonight?”

“Well, he did ask me, so yeah.”

Aziraphale shivered. “Could ya, maybe...tell him you changed your mind? Ask him to take me?”

“Thought you was going with Sandalphon.”

Aziraphale wrung his hands. “I don’t wanna! But I never woulda said yes if Crowley hadn’t been so...fresh with me. Sandalphon, he...ya ever been in that smokehouse? Seen those pictures?”

Tracy nodded. “Yeah. They’re just pictures, Aziraphale.”

Aziraphale hugged himself. “It ain’t just the pictures, Aunt Tracy. Sandalphon, he...he’s got something wrong inside of him. Something real wrong.”

“Fiddlesticks.” 

“I know what I’m talking about!” Aziraphale wailed. “The way he looks at me sometimes, it scares me!It’s why I been sleepin’ with my curtains drawn and my door locked. I’m afraid he might...” Aziraphale sobbed. Tracy placed her hands on his shoulders.

“Now come on. A grown man like you, carryin’ on. Why don’t you go sit out on the porch. Get some air. I’ll keep an eye on your pie.”

Aziraphale went out to the porch and settled back into the rocker. Damn that redheaded cowhand for being so very exasperating. 

“Aziraphale!” Uriel Cummings came up the road, Crowley trailing after her. “You get your basket all ready?”

“Nearly.” Aziraphale said, looking over at Crowley. The cowboy had the presence of mind to look somewhat ashamed. “How ‘bout you?”

Uriel laughed, and Aziraphale and Crowley winced. “I did mine up last night. My biscuits are lighter than air.”

Aziraphale smiled. “Well, I blew on one o’ mine, and it broke into a million pieces.” Uriel laughed, and Aziraphale did his best to nor stick his fingers in his ears. 

“I’ll see you later, Crowley.” Uriel said, batting her eyes. 

“Yeah, sure, whatever.” Crowley waved her off, then went and sat on the porch. “You uh...you gonna bite my head off if I sit here?”

“No, you’re fine.” Aziraphale replied. Crowley looked over at him, a small smile on his lips. “So, Uriel.”

“It ain’t...it ain’t like that. An’ yore one ta talk! Ya know, everyone thinks that you an I are goin’ to the social together.” Crowley drawled. Aziraphale snorted. 

“I heard that too. Silly, ain’t it. Like I’d go anywhere with you, fuel those gossips even more.”

Crowley nodded. “Yeah, they do talk about us, don’t they?”

“Yeah. Like ducks clamoring for bread.” Aziraphale said angrily. “You know most of the talk is that we’re stuck on each other.”

Crowley snorted. “Well, I don’t get how these vicious rumors start!”

Aziraphale shook his head. “Neither do I!” He turned to face Crowley. “Why do they think up stories that link my name with yours?” He sang. Crowley laughed and sang back.

“Why do the neighbors chatter all day behind their doors?”

Aziraphale  put his hands under his chin in thought. “I know a way to prove what they say is quite untrue.”

“Yeah?” 

Aziraphale nodded. “Here is the gist, a practical list of Donts for you!” He held up one finger. “Don’t throw bouquets at me!”

“I did not throw that bouquet at you!” Crowley protested. 

“You shoved it at me and ran off. That’s practically throwing it! And I’m not done.” Aziraphale scolded. He held up another finger. “Don’t please my folks too much!”

“Tracy?”

“Don’t laugh at my jokes too much! People will say we’re in love!”

“Angel, nobody laughs at your jokes.” Crowley drawled. Aziraphale glared at him. 

“Don’t start collecting things!” 

Crowley shot to his feet. “Like what?” 

Aziraphale stood as well, holding out his hand. “Give me my rose and my glove! Sweetheart, they’re suspecting things! People will say we’re in love!” 

Crowley was still reeling at being called ‘sweetheart’. “Some people claim that you are to blame as much as I! Why did you take the trouble to bake my favorite pie?” 

“I like it too!” Aziraphale protested. 

“Granting yore wish, I carved our initials on that tree!” He pointed to a tree, where the letters AC + AW could be seen inside a heart. “Just keep a slice of all the advice ya give, so free!”

He straightened, grinning. “Don’t praise my charm too much!”

Aziraphale snorted on his laughter. Crowley glared at him. “Don’t look so vain with me!”

Aziraphale looked down at his dusty dungarees and bare feet, then snorted again. “Oh, yes, very vain.”

“Don’t stand in the rain with me! People will say we’re in love!”

“It’s hardly standing in the rain if we’re under an umbrella.” Aziraphale snarked. 

Crowley came over and looped his arm around Aziraphale’s. “Don’t take my arm too much!”

Aziraphale tried not to swoon at the nearness of Crowley’s skin and his scent. Crowley smirked at him. 

“Don’t keep your hand in mine.” He took Aziraphale’s hands in his. “Your hand feels so grand in mine.” He sang softly. “People will say we’re in love. Don’t dance all night with me, ‘til the stars fade from above.”

He looked down. “They’ll see, it’s alright with me...People will say we’re in love!” 

‘I love you, Angel. Why can’t you see that?’ 


	5. Poor Sandy's Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley and Sandalphon have a talk.

Chapter Five: Poor Sandy’s Dead

Crowley didn’t want to let go of Aziraphale’s hand. “Your hand feels so grand in mine,” he sang softly under his breath. Aziraphale’s hands were so soft, such a different contrast to Crowley’s rough calluses. He ran his thumb across the knuckles and smiled to himself at the hitch in Aziraphale’s breath.

“Angel?” Crowley’s voice was not wobbling, damn it. “Do you think...maybe you could tell Sandy that you changed your mind and are goin’ with me?”

Aziraphale brightened up, then slumped. “No. I...I couldn’t.” He nearly cried when Crowley jerked his hands away. “Crowley!”

“No you couldn’t.” Crowley growled at him, eyes bright with hurt and anger. “You’re far too polite for that.”

“That’s got nothing to do with it!” Aziraphale wailed. Crowley snorted. “Honest!”

“Think I’ll have a walk over to that smokehouse, see what there is about this Sandy that makes my...that makes fellas fall over themselves for him.” Crowley snarled before turning and stomping away.

“Crowley!” Aziraphale called after him.

“What?!”

Aziraphale shrank back into the rocker at the vehemence on his face. “Nothing.” Crowley snorted and continued walking. Aziraphale went over their conversation, wondering what had made the cowboy so mad.

‘Wait. Did Crowley just call me HIS fella?’ Aziraphale had to bite back a whoop of joy when he realized that yes, Crowley had indeed said that. But then the more treacherous part of his brain, the one that he could never get to shut up, whispered that it had been a slip of the tongue, and that there was no way someone as beautiful as Crowley would deign to be the fella of someone as frumpy and old fashioned as Aziraphale.

Crowley was seething. Damn that Angel for being so polite. Damn him for being so nice, so kind, so...so fucking perfect. Aziraphale was a priceless gem among rocks. He was clever, and kind, and had a streak of bastardry a mile long. Crowley had fallen for him so hard and so fast that he couldn’t remember a time when he **hadn’t** been in love with the blond. But no matter what he did or how hard he tried, he could never manage to express his true feelings, which was one of his major flaws. He covered up his feelings with sarcasm and banter, far too afraid to say how he really felt lest Aziraphale pull away and he lose his best friend. 

‘Aziraphale, you know all those times when I snarked at you, insulted you, made fun and teased you? Yeah, they were just my way of saying that I am hopelessly in love with you, that you’re all I ever think about, dream about, and I’ve been planning our wedding pretty much from the moment I met you, and I’ve been saving money to get us a little house, and maybe we could have a hundred acres, figure out a way to have a kid, maybe. I’ve never loved anyone like this, and the idea of you being with anyone but me makes me wanna scream.’ He had arrived at the smokehouse, and he took a breath to clear his thoughts, then knocked. No answer, and he knocked again. 

“Well, come in, it ain’t locked.” Sandy’s voice came from somewhere in the back. Crowley ducked under the door frame and stepped in. “What you want?” Sandy asked, looking suspicious. Crowley shrugged. 

“Well, you know, done all my chores, thought I’d come by and say howdy. Get to know you a bit better.” Crowley glanced around the smokehouse. Farming implements hung from the ceiling, the floor was starting to go rotten, and the whole place stank of old smoke. “Nice place.” Crowley lied. Sandalphon snorted and continued to clean what Crowley now realized was a gun. So that wasn’t menacing at all. 

His eyes fell on the wall next to him, and he turned around. “Well I’ll be. That there’s a naked lady, ain’t it?” 

Sandalphon continued to clean his gun. “You got good eyes.”

“Yessir, plumb naked as a jaybird. No wait, she got some dangly bits on her ears.” Crowley said. Sandalphon snorted and reached into his pocket, pulling out a pack of cards. 

“You want some real nice things, come look at these. I only got the gals up because otherwise people might talk.” Crowley wandered over, and Sandalphon handed him a card. It was a naked man, tied bound and gagged to a chair. “Got lots more like this. Even got one of a fella after he’d been horsewhipped.” He rummaged through the cards and handed another to Crowley. 

“Oh my god.” Crowley was fairly certain that the grimace of pain on the man’s face was real. “Uh, here, you can have this back.” He shivered and handed the card back to Sandalphon, who reverently placed it back in the deck. Crowley noticed a rope and sauntered over. “Nice rope. Good and strong. Oh, and it’s attached to a hook. Rope like that, you could hang yourself real easy.”

Sandalphon jerked around. “Hang myself?”

“Uh, yeah. Be easy, rope’s already in a noose. You just slip it around yore neck, step off a chair, and with luck, in...less than two minutes, you’d be deader than a door nail. Be easy as can be.”

Sandalphon looked skeptical. “Why would I wanna hang myself?”

Crowley thought fast. “Well, so’s...people could come to your funeral, and sing sad songs.”

“What people?”

Crowley beamed. “Oh, lots of them. Man don’t know how many friends he got ‘till he dies. I can picture it clear. There you is, all laid out in the parlor in yore best suit, arms crossed over your chest, looking so peaceful. An’ everybody’s there, and the menfolk are all talking about what a good man you was, and the women are crying softly, maybe even fainting cause they fancied you.”

Sandalphon snorted. “No woman ever fancied me, and I don’t go for gals.”

Crowley rolled his eyes. “Yeah, but they didn’t know that. They sure would sing though. Sing as if their hearts would break.” He paused for a moment, than began to sing. “Poor Sandy’s dead, poor Sandy Fell is dead! All gather ‘round his coffin now and cry!” Crowley mock sobbed. “He had a heart of gold, and he wasn’t very old! Oh, why did such a fella have to die?  Poor Sandy’s dead, poor Sandy Fell is dead, he’s looking oh so peaceful and serene!”

“And serene!” Sandalphon interjected. 

Crowley grinned. “ He’s all laid out to rest, with his hands across his chest! His fingernails have never been so clean!  Then the preacher would stand up and he’d say something like… ‘We are here to mourn the death of Sandalphon Fell, who hung hisself in the smokehouse! Folks always thought he was a dirty rotten crook! And a scoundrel! And they called him a rat!” Sandalphon’s fist curled, and Crowley  babbled on. “Sandalphon was the most misunderstood man in this here territory. But the folks that really knowed him, knew that beneath that dirty shirt he always wore, there beat a heart as big as all outdoors!” 

“As big as all outdoors!” Sandalphon sang. 

“Sandalphon loved his feller man!”

“I loved my feller man!”

Crowley made a mournful face. “He loved the birds of the air and the beasts of the fields! He loved the mice and the vermin in the barns, and he treated the rats like equals. Which was right!” He looked over to see if Sandalphon had picked up on the insult. “And he loved little children!” Sandy gave him a look. “Oh, he loved everybody and everything, but he never let on, and so nobody knowed it! Poor Sandy’s dead, poor Sandy Fell is dead! His friend’s will weep and wail for miles around!”

“Miles around!” 

“The daisies in the dell, will give out a different smell, because poor Sandy’s underneath the ground!”

Sandalphon nodded. “Poor Sandy’s dead, a candle lights his head! He’s layin’ in a coffin made of wood!”

“Wood!” Crowley obligingly interjected. 

“An’ folks are feeling sad, cause they used to treat him bad, and now they know their friend is gone fer good!’

“Good!” 

They sang together, “Poor Sandy’s dead, a candle lights his head!”

Crowley finished. “He’s looking oh so pretty, and so nice! He looks like he’s asleep, it’s a shame that he won’t keep. But it’s summer, and we’re runnin’ out of ice. Poor Sandy.”  He shook himself. “Anyway, that’s what would happen.”

“Yeah, well, maybe I’ll outlive you. Maybe you’ll go first.” Sandy said, and Crowley shrugged and laughed. 

“Yeah, maybe I will. Mind if I sit?” Sandy shook his head, and Crowley sat on an old crate. “That’s a real nice gun.”

“Colt 45.”

“What you do with it?”

Sandalphon fixed him with a skeptical look. “Shoot things.” 

“Ever use it to get even with somebody?” Crowley asked, trying to keep his stomach from crawling at the way Sandy was stroking the barrel. 

“Nah, if I wanted to get even with someone there’s better ways than a gun. You ‘member the fire at the Dowling Farm a few years ago?”

Crowley winced. “Yeah. Terrible accident, that. Burned up the whole family.” He didn’t add that he had watched little Warlock a few times. 

Sandalphon grinned. “That weren’t no accident. I knew the hired hand that done it. See, he was sparkin’ on Missus Dowling, and she turned him down. Tole me it took him weeks to get the kerosene, buyin’ it a bit at a time so nobody caught wise. When he tole me the story, he made out like he was talkin’ bout some other place, but I know it was the Dowling place. What a liar he was!” Sandalphon cackled. 

“Yeah, and a murderer.” Crowley growled. He stood abruptly. “Let’s get some air in here.” He pushed open the flimsy window. “I don’t get you. How’d you get to be how you are? Sitting here, festering, brooding! This ain’t no place to be. Why don’t you go outside, ‘stead of sitting in here, growing more rank an’ twisted by the...” 

Sandy yelled and fired the gun. Crowley ducked. 

“Feel better?!” Crowley shouted. “I guess you needed that!” He pulled his own gun out of the holster. “I’m a fair shot myself. See that knothole?” He pointed, then aimed and fired. “Yessir, that went straight through the middle of the bulls eye!”

“What’s all that racket?!” Tracy and some of the others had come running. “Crowley, did you fire yore gun?”

Crowley slid his gun neatly into the holster, smiling at Aziraphale, who looked like he would rather be anyplace else. “Just shooting knotholes.”

Tracy glared at him. “Next time start with the ones in your head. Come on folks, nothing to see here. Just some knot headed fool.” 

After everyone had left,  Sandy  turned and  glared at him. “You ain’t said why you come here. We ain’t got no cattle for ya, no land needs clearing.  So that leaves only one thing, and that better not be it.”

“Oh, it is.” Crowley said, all trace of humor gone from his voice. 

“It better not be. He promised to go with me. He better not break his promise.”

Crowley snorted. “I’ve wasted enough time here. I got to go pick me up a surrey for the social tonight.”

“Who you think yore taking in that rig?”

Crowley grinned. “Tracy. And uh. Aziraphale. If he’ll let me.” He turned and walked out of the smokehouse, ignoring Sandalphon’s shouts. 

Fervently, Crowley prayed that Aziraphale would come to his senses before Sandalphon did something truly horrible. 


	6. Lonely Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get a glimpse into Sandalphon's mind(it ain't pretty), and Aziraphale gets a present.

Chapter Six: Lonely Room

Crowley almost ran into Ligur coming the other way. The peddler tipped his hat(oddly, it was shaped like a chameleon). “Afternoon, Crowley. Mr. Fell at home?”

Crowley grunted in affirmation and pushed past him. Ligur shrugged, then went up to the smokehouse door and knocked. “It’s open!” Ligur ducked inside, a winning smile on his face.

“Afternoon, Mr. Fell. Or can I call you Sandalphon?” Sandalphon shrugged, and Ligur couldn’t help but notice the gun on the table in front of him. “You ain’t planning on using that, are ya?”

“Not on you.” Came the grunted reply. Feeling only marginally relieved, Ligur made his way over to the empty seat. “What you want, peddler?”

Ligur grinned and placed his sales case on the table. “It’s more of a case of what you want. You seem like a man of specialized taste. Got some things for ya right here.” He pulled out a pack of playing cards. “Yes sir, take a look at these lovely ladies.” Sandalphon didn’t even look up. “Or maybe you’d like to see some handsome lads, is that it?” Ligur rummaged through his case. “Each and ever one of these boys is ready and eager.” He spread out another deck. “Special sale today, only four bits. What do you say?”

Sandalphon snorted. “I got plenty of cards. I want me something real. Something soft, and blond. Something that will do what I say, when I say it. He may have to be broken in a bit first.” Sandalphon said, his eyes bright with something Ligur didn’t want to think too much about. Sandalphon smiled. “You know what I would like, though? You ever hear of something called the Little Wonder?” Ligur shook his head. “Fella I know tole me about it. What it is, it looks like an ordinary telescope, the kind with the pictures?” Ligur nodded in understanding. “Only, see, this has a hidden catch. You press it, and a blade pops out.”

“Oh, on a spring.”

Sandalphon grinned. “Yep, and what you do, is you get somebody to look at the pictures, and when they’re occupied, you pop out that knife, and it’s right above their heart, and then...BAM!” Sandalphon mimed stabbing Ligur, who jumped back.

“That’s a...that’s a pretty funny trick to play on a friend.” He said, trying to get his heart rate back to normal. “No. I don’t carry those sort of things. Too much liability. But I’ve got some postcards here..”

“Oh, get outta here! I’m sick of postcards! Sick of dreaming! I WANT SOMETHING REAL!” Ligur grabbed up his case and ran out. Sandalphon sat back in his chair. “I know what I want. Knowed it since I saw that blond hair and soft body.” He clenched and unclenched his fists, sighing. Aziraphale would look so pretty all marked up and trussed up like in those pictures. Sandalphon would keep him inside at all times, only letting him out if Aziraphale did certain things for him. He glanced around the smokehouse. This was no place for someone like Aziraphale. “The floor creaks. The door squeaks.” He looked over in a corner. “There’s a field mouse a’nibbling on a broom. And I sit by myself, like a cobweb on the shelf, by myself in a lonely room.”

Aziraphale would take care of things. He would do the cleaning, and the cooking, and if Sandalphon didn’t like it, he would let Aziraphale know. After all, Sandalphon thought, the best way to break a filly is to beat her until she can’t fight back. “But when there’s a moon at my window, and it slants down a bean cross my bed, then the shadow of a tree starts to dancin’ on the wall, and a dream starts a dancing in my head!”

Aziraphale, meek and obedient, taking care of the house like he should. There would be no books allowed. Aziraphale would be far too busy with pleasing his husband to have time for frivolous activities.

“And all the things that I wish for, turn out like I want them to be! And I’m better than that smart aleck cowhand, who thinks he’s better than me!”

Crowley. Oh, how he hated that man, not only for his popularity, but for how easily he seemed to have won Aziraphale over. Well, it didn’t matter. Once he and Aziraphale were wed, Sandalphon was going to take him far, far away from everyone. Aziraphale would have to learn to make new friends. Ones that Sandalphon selected for him, of course. He couldn’t have Aziraphale making friends with the wrong sort.

“And the fella I want, ain’t afraid of my arms, and his own soft arms keep me warm! And his soft golden hair, falls across my face, just like a rain in a storm!”

Sandalphon sighed. Aziraphale would of course submit to his duties whenever Sandalphon felt like it.

“The floor creaks, the door squeaks, and the mouse starts a nibbling on the broom! And the sun flicks my eyes! It was all a pack of lies! I’m awake in a lonely room.”

Sandalphon stood. “I ain’t gonna dream about his arms no more! I ain’t gonna leave him alone! Going outside! Gonna get what’s mine! Get me a husband to call my own!” He stormed out of the smokehouse. One way or another, Aziraphale was going to be his and his alone.

Aziraphale had read the same passage five times, and nothing was getting through. With a sigh, he replaced the book back on the shelf and went outside. Tracy was sitting in her rocker, a large box at her feet. “You look glum.”

“Do I? I can’t imagine why.” Aziraphale said, sitting down next to her. “I just made the biggest mistake of my life because I was mad at my best friend in the entire world and I can’t admit he’s my best friend because I’m too all fired stubborn.”

“He’s more than a friend, love.” Tracy said in fond exasperation. Aziraphale looked up at her, startled. “You think I didn’t know? You two have been gone on each other since you met.” Aziraphale blushed.

“What’s uh, what’s in the box?”

Tracy smiled. “Well, I got to thinking, you don’t have real nice things to wear, excepting your Daddy’s old wedding jacket, so I been saving my pennies, and well, I got ya something. Go on, open it.”

Aziraphale untied the twine and lifted the top off. “Aunt Tracy!” He pulled out the waistcoat, which was a lovely shade of beige with bits of cream. “I love it!” He leaped up and pulled her into a tight hug. “Thank you so much!”

“That eloquent red head’s gonna be speechless when he sees you in that.”

Aziraphale blushed to the roots of his hair.


	7. Out of My Dreams/Dream Ballet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale has a very disturbing dream.

Chapter Seven: Out Of My Dreams/Dream Ballet

Aziraphale smoothed the coat down for what felt like the millionth time. No matter how many times he looked at himself in the mirror, he couldn’t believe that it was the same person looking back. He had brushed and brushed his hair until it shone, letting it fall in soft waves on his shoulders. It was getting a bit long, but Aziraphale thought that he rather liked it that way.

His hands were scrubbed clean from dirt, his nails had been shaped and buffed using an emery board that had once belonged to his mother. He had dug deep into the closet in his room and found a pair of dress slacks that he had bought years ago that fortunately still fitted. Aziraphale may have been a bit soft, but he lived and worked on a farm and was by no means fat.

Aziraphale sighed mournfully. If only things were different, and he was going to the social with Crowley. If only he hadn’t been so mad at the cowboy, mad enough to say yes to Sandalphon when the hired hand had asked him. The truth was, he’d been almost scared to say no. Sandalphon had been looking at him with those strangely glittering eyes and Aziraphale had felt like a mouse trapped by some sort of predator.

He slipped on his shoes(polished to a nice sheen) and started to head out when he noticed the bottle of Elixir that Ligur had sold him. With a thoughtful frown, he snatched it up and headed outside. He always thought better in the fresh air.

He had just settled on the porch when he heard voices. The girls from the ranch down the road came up on the property, laughing and talking all at once. One of them held a deck of cards in her hands. She spotted Aziraphale and came over. “Want me to read your future?”

“No, thank you. I have more important things to do.” Aziraphale held up the bottle. “I just need to take a whiff of this, you see.” He uncapped the bottle and sniffed, then coughed, his eyes watering. “It’s going to tell me what I want.”

The girl laughed. “Oh, Aziraphale, we know what you want.” She plucked a card from the deck. “Out of your dreams and into his arms you long to fly! You don’t need Egyptian smelling salts to tell you why!”

Another girl responded. “Out of his dreams and into the touch of falling shadow, when the mist is new, and stars are breaking through, then out of your dreams you’ll go, into a dream come true.”

“Make up your mind, make up your mind Zira, Zira dear, make up your own make up your own story, Zira, dear!” The girls chorused. “Old Pharaoh’s daughter won’t tell you, what to do. Ask your heart, whatever it tells you will be true!”

Aziraphale looked around at them. “Please ladies, go away and let me be.”

“Alright, but that’s not going to help.” One of them said. They left, and Aziraphale read the instructions on the bottle.

“Hold bottle two inches from nostrils.” Aziraphale did that. “Close your eyes and inhale. Ask your heart what you really want. Elixir, make up my mind for me. I’m waiting for the answer.”

Aziraphale took a deep breath and inhaled. The smell made him cough again, but he cleared his throat. What did his heart want?

Aziraphale’s heart, of course, knew exactly what it wanted. Had known it since that day Aziraphale had been at the county fair and his eyes had fallen on one of the contestants for the bucking broncos, a man with the reddest hair he had ever seen, long, long legs encased in denim, a dark red flannel shirt that hugged a torso that was whipcord thin yet laced with muscles, and a face with high, sharp cheekbones, thin lips, and beautiful golden eyes. The man had been petting a sleek black mare, talking to her in a soft voice, and Aziraphale had nearly swooned at how rich and deep it was.

He had been so occupied with the sheer beauty of the man that he hadn’t realized he had come closer until he heard a voice. “Hello!” Aziraphale had jumped, then blushed furiously as he realized the man was grinning at him. “Come to admire the horses?”

(For Crowley’s part, he had been mentally congratulating himself on being able to form any sort of coherent sentence in front of this drop dead gorgeous angel that he had **definitely not** been ogling for the past five minutes while pretending to groom Bentley)

Aziraphale had stammered something and somehow managed to fumble through a greeting. Crowley had bent at the waist and kissed his knuckles, smirking that it was his pleasure, and Aziraphale’s heart had been lost. 

Aziraphale  sighed. “Out of my dreams and into your arms I long to fly.” He sang softly. “I will come as evening comes, to woo a waiting sky. Out of my dreams and into the hush of falling shadow, when the mist is low, and stars are breaking through, then out of my dreams I’ll go into a dream with you.”

He rested his head against one of the porch columns, yawning. He was so tired. A quick nap, and then he would go find Crowley and tell him that he had finally made the right decision. 

START DREAM SEQUENCE 

Aziraphale sat up, feeling dizzy and disoriented. Everything was fuzzy, and he wasn’t quite sure what was happening. He slowly got to his feet. He was at home, but it didn’t look like the house. It was wavy, and kept shimmering. 

He looked down at himself. He was dressed in the coat Aunt Tracy had given him, as well the slacks, but there was something else. Something on the porch. He walked over and picked it up. It was a felt gray hat with a white feather sticking in it. Puzzled, Aziraphale picked it up and put it on. 

A mirror suddenly appeared in front of him and with a joyous shock he realized he was dressed for a wedding. And now, in the distance, he could hear bells ringing. 

Someone took his arm and led him down the steps and towards the bells. Aziraphale tried to see who it was, but they kept their face covered. His stomach was in knots, and he could see someone waiting at the end of the road. Aziraphale wiggled in glee. The someone was tall, and skinny, with hair that fell to their waist when it wasn’t tied up. 

But as Aziraphale approached, the person changed. They shrank, lost the lovely red hair,  and instead of smiling at Aziraphale with golden eyes, they leered at him through dirty brown ones. Sandalphon held out a hand, and Aziraphale tried to turn and run, but his legs wouldn’t obey. Sandalphon oozed forward, a slimy smile on his lips, and reached for him. Aziraphale whimpered. 

Then blinked as Crowley suddenly appeared in front of him, arms out protectively as he glared daggers at Sandalphon, shaking his head. Sandalphon lunged at him, and Crowley dodged. 

Aziraphale watched as they fought, their movements almost balletic. He wanted to interfere, but he couldn’t move. So he was helpless to react when Sandalphon pulled a knife seemingly out of nowhere and drove it right into Crowley’s heart. 

Aziraphale shrieked in horror. 

END DREAM SEQUENCE

Aziraphale bolted upright, the scream still on his lips. Panting hard, he looked around. Crowley. He needed Crowley, needed him so bad that he thought he would die. 

“Aziraphale?” Oh god, not him. Sandalphon smiled at him, and Aziraphale shrank back. “We’d better get going else we’ll be late.”

Shivering, Aziraphale stood. “Yes. We’d better get going.”

He allowed Sandalphon to escort him down the road, praying with all his might that Crowley would be there. 


	8. The Farmer and The Cowman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for the social!

Chapter Eight: The Farmer and the Cowman

“Watch out on your side!!” Came the shout, and Crowley jumped into action, grabbing the wooden beam before it could hit the ground and hoisting it over his head with a whistling grunt. He staggered, off balance, but quickly righted himself and slotted the beam in place.

“Got it!” He wiped the sweat off his forehead, glad that he had had the foresight to braid his hair. Erecting a frame for a schoolhouse was hard work. He leaned against the fence, sipping water from a dipper and looking out at the crowd. The picnic baskets for the auction later were all lined up in a neat row under a tree, and Crowley smiled to himself when he spotted Aziraphale’s. “I’ll get you, Angel. I promise.”

The clatter of wheels made everyone turn. Aziraphale pulled the horses to a stop, then before Sandalphon could make a move he practically jumped out of the carriage and ran over to where Tracy was standing. Tracy blinked at him and said something, but Crowley was too far away to make it out. Tracy patted her nephew’s shoulder and pointed to where the redhead was standing. Aziraphale hugged her tightly and started over. Sandalphon slid out of the carriage and stood in his path, his face thunderous. Aziraphale’s face fell, and he tried to step aside, only to be blocked. Snarling in rage, Crowley stalked over. “Hi, Aziraphale!” He said in a very cheerful tone. Sandalphon turned and glared at him, and Crowley glared right back.

“H..hello, Crowley.” Aziraphale sounded downright wretched, and Crowley wanted nothing more than to take him in his arms and never let him go. “You uh...you braided your hair.”

Crowley beamed. “Yeah, I did. Makes it a lot easier helping when there’s no hair in your face. Sandalphon, could you please move so I can greet Aziraphale properly?” Crowley asked politely, but his eyes blazed in rage. “If you wouldn’t mind.”

Sandalphon turned and glared so vehemently at Aziraphale that the other man shrank back. “Nah, I don’t mind. Just so long as he remembers who he’s with.” He gave Aziraphale a false smile, then headed towards the barn.

“Well, that could...have...Ngk.” Crowley’s voice deserted him as he got a full glimpse of the outfit Aziraphale was wearing. “Angel...you look...beautiful.” Crowley had never seen Aziraphale look more gorgeous than he did now, and he thought the blond was the most perfect man ever to walk the earth.

Aziraphale blushed, smiling. “Really?” Crowley nodded, his eyes wide. “Tracy got me the coat special. I’ve had the pants for a while, just never had the occasion to wear them. I’m excited for the auction, are you excited? I do hope whoever wins my basket likes the scones I made. Not many people know what scones are, but Mother had a recipe book that had English food in it. I want to go to England someday. Would you like to go to England? Bet we could have fun there.”

“Aziraphale.” Crowley’s voice was soft but firm. He knew that when Aziraphale babbled it was because he was on the verge of breaking down. Aziraphale didn’t seem to hear him. The blond was looking at a point past his shoulder.

“Oh, there’s Anathema and Newt. You know she came here with Ligur, well not here to the auction, I mean obviously she’s here with Newt, but home here, and I thought for a second she might be sweet on Ligur, because you know how she’s been ever since she developed, and oh goodness, look at the schoolhouse, doesn’t it look nice...”

“Aziraphale.” Crowley grasped his shoulders, cutting off the flow of words. Aziraphale looked at him, blue eyes shining with fear and panting hard. “Calm down. It’s okay.”

Aziraphale took a deep, shuddering breath. “Yes. Yes, you’re right. I’m being foolish. I’m a grown man. Thank you for your help. Are you going to bid at the auction?”

“If I can.” Crowley said, gently rubbing Aziraphale’s shoulders. “You alright now, sweetheart?” Aziraphale blinked at the pet name, then nodded.

“Okay. Why don’t you go and talk to Newt?”

Aziraphale looked over his shoulder. “Well, he’s talking to Ligur right now.” The blond giggled. “Looks like he’s trying to sell him some of the stuff he bought to bribe Shadwell so’s he could marry Ana.”

Crowley grunted softly as Sandalphon came over to where Newt and Ligur were standing. The peddler said something, and Newt handed Sandalphon what looked like a small brass telescope. “Hey, let’s go over and see what Tracy’s up to, okay? That sound good?” Aziraphale smiled wetly at him. “Okay, good. Come on.” He gently took Aziraphale’s arm and steered him towards the crowd.

A tussle between one of the farmers and one of the cowboys had broken out, and Crowley not so subtly tried to trip the farmer. Aziraphale glared at him, and he blinked, gold eyes wide and innocent.

“Now that’s enough!” Tracy shouted over the din. She stepped in between the fighting. “The farmer and the cowman should be friends! Yes, the farmer and the cowman should be friends! One man likes to push a plow, the other likes to rope a cow, but that’s no reason why they can’t be friends!”

“Territory folk should stick together, territory folk should all be pals!” The crowd chorused.

Shadwell stepped forward. “I’d like to say a word for the farmer!”

“Yeah, you would!” One of the cowboys yelled. Shadwell glared at him.

“He come out west and made a lot of changes!”

Newt stepped up. “He come out west and built a lot of fences!”

Crowley spoke up. “And built ‘em right across our cattle ranges! Why don’t you go back to Missouri, where ya belong?!”

Shadwell didn’t respond to that. “The farmer is a good and thrifty citizen!”

Crowley laughed. “Yeah, he’s thrifty alright.”

“No matter what the cowman says or thinks! You’ll seldom see him drinking in a bar room!”

Crowley tipped his hat mockingly. “Unless somebody else is buyin’ drinks!”

Shadwell rolled his eyes. “The farmer and the cowman should be friends, oh the farmer and the cowman should be friends! The cowman ropes a cow with ease, the farmer steals her butter and cheese, but that’s no reason why they can’t be friends!”

Tracy stepped up. “I’d like to say a word for the cowboy!”

“Then say it!” Shadwell replied.

“The road he treads is difficult and stony! He rides for days on end, with just a pony for a friend!”

“I sure am feelin’ sorry for the pony!” Ana snarked. Newt gaped at her.

“The farmer should be sociable with the cowboy, when he rides by and asks for food and water! Don’t treat him like a louse, make him welcome in your house!”

“But be sure that you lock up your wife and daughter!” Shadwell yelled.

Crowley cackled at the look on Ana’s face. “And when this territory is a state, and joins the union just like all the others, the farmer and the cowman and the merchant, must all behave themselves and act like brothers!” He smiled over at Aziraphale, who smiled back.

Tracy smiled at them both before addressing the crowd. “I’d like to teach y’all a little saying, and learn these words by heart, the way ya should. I don’t say I’m no better than anybody else, but I’ll be damned if I ain’t just as good!”

“Alright, alright, everyone settle down so we can get this auction going!” Tracy shouted. She had been appointed auctioneer. “Now, what am I bid for this first basket? Do I hear two bits?”

Crowley watched the auction, Aziraphale by his side. The cowboy sighed. He had no money to put up. But maybe he could figure something out. “Angel?”

“Hmm?”

“I’ll be right back, okay? Something I need ta get.” Aziraphale gulped, looking over to where Sandalphon was standing and glaring at them both. Crowley looked over, then gently placed his hand on Aziraphale’s face and turned the blond towards him. “Hey. Look at me, sweetheart. He ain’t gonna try nothin’, not surrounded by people. I promise, I will be right back.” Crowley pressed a soft kiss to Aziraphale’s blond curls, breathing in his scent, then stepped back and headed away. Aziraphale whimpered and made his way towards the auction, doing his very best to hide behind Tracy. Sandalphon smiled at him.

“Hi, Aziraphale. Been avoiding me?”

“N...no. Just...talking to Crowley.” Aziraphale whispered, not daring to look the other man in the eyes.

“Two baskets left,” Tracy announced, “and we don’t know whose is whose.”

Ana stepped up. “The one on the right is mine, and that one’s Aziraphale’s.” Tracy rolled her eyes.

“Well, now that the cat’s out of the bag, let’s get goin’. What do I hear for Ana’s basket? One dollar?”

“One dollar!” Someone bid, and Tracy nodded at him.

“Two dollars?”

“Fifty!” Newt stepped forward, shoving his way through the crowd. “I bid fifty dollars!”

“Nobody ever bid that much!” Tracy said, shocked. Shadwell stepped up.

“He ain’t got it.” Newt pulled a wad of bills out of his pocket. “Hah! That ain’t yore money no more. You bid that. Belongs to the schoolhouse now.” Newt’s face fell.

“Excuse me. Pardon me.” Ligur made his way to the front. “I’d like to bid fifty one dollars. Newt, you keep the money. Marry Anathema. She couldn’t ask for a better husband.” Anathema squealed in glee and hugged Newt tight.

“Going, going, gone!” Tracy bought down the hammer. Ligur handed her a wad of bills. Shadwell looked over at him.

“So what do you get?”

Ligur shrugged. “A belly ache from eating too fast?”

“Alright, last basket. It’s Aziraphale’s and I can tell you it’s a magnificent one. We got some scones like they have all the way over in England, and they’s just light as a feather. Who’s gonna bid first?”

Sandalphon stepped up. “Four bits.” Aziraphale went pale.

“Six bits.” Ike responded. Sandalphon smirked.

“Eight bits.”

“One dollar.”

“And two bits.”

“Two dollars.”

Sandalphon’s smile got slimier. “And two bits?”

Ike stepped back. “Too rich for my blood.”

The bidding continued, with Sandalphon outbidding all comers, and Aziraphale felt like he was going to vomit. Where was Crowley? As if the thought had summoned him, Crowley’s voice rang out.

“Thirty dollars!” The cowboy came into view carrying a saddle. “This here saddle’s worth that much.”

Sandalphon snorted. “Gotta be cash, Crawley.”

“Crowley. Okay, so anyone wanna buy a saddle?”

One of the cowboys came over. “Give ya twenty bucks for it.” Crowley took the money and handed the saddle over.

“Well, I bid twenty bucks.” He smirked at Sandalphon. “Looks like I got it.”

“I ain’t done bidding yet. Twenty five dollars. What you gonna do now, cowboy?”

Crowley looked stricken. “Um...y’all...ya’ll know Bentley, right? She’s a...good horse, fastest in the territory. Real sweet.”

Aziraphale gasped in horror. “Crowley, no! Don’t sell Bentley!”

“I uh, had her from a filly, and uh...” Crowley’s voice trailed off. He was not going to cry, damn it.

Ike stepped forward, a sad expression on his face and money in his hands. “I’ll buy her from you, Crowley. Give you twenty five dollars.” Crowley nodded and took the money, then wiped his eyes and smirked up at Tracy.

“That makes it forty five, don’t it? Guess I won.”

Sandalphon looked over at Tracy. “I’m going to put up everything I got. Been saving it, one dollar at a time, hoping.” He pulled out some more money. “Forty six dollars and fourteen cents!” He slammed the money down, and Aziraphale nearly fainted. “You got nothin’ left. Can’t bid your clothes, can’t bid your gun. Looks like I win.”

Crowley yanked his holster off. “Anyone wanna buy a gun?”

One of the cowboys bought it for eight dollars. “Well, lessee. Forty five plus eight makes fifty three. Anyone wanna go any higher?!”

“Going going gone!” Tracy shouted, banging on the wagon, and Aziraphale nearly swooned with relief. Crowley looked over at him, and he mouthed ‘Thank you.’ Blushing, Crowley gave him a thumbs up.

Sandalphon was glaring daggers at them both. “Now wait a second That wasn’t...”

Ike stepped up. “It was perfectly fair, Sandalphon. Shake hands like gentlemen.” They shook, and Sandalphon smiled.

“I got no hard feelings. Got something to show you, Crowley.” He pulled the telescope out of his pocket. “Ever seen one o’ these before? Here, look.”

Crowley looked. “Wow. That’s uh, that’s certainly something.”

Sandalphon had his thumb on the spring when Ligur, who had been lurking in the back watching, went over to Tracy and whispered in her ear.

“CROWLEY!”

Crowley jumped five feet in the air and dropped the telescope. “What the all fired hell? You scared ten years off me!”

“What ya doing?”

Crowley tried to calm his racing heart. “Getting screamed at, apparently. What do you want?”

Tracy faltered for a moment. “Was gonna ask why you ain’t asked me ta dance yet.”

Crowley laughed. “You crazy old woman, I’ll dance with you ‘til the cows come home.”

Tracy looked over at the musicians. “Pick them fiddles to pieces, boys!”

The musicians struck up a lively tune, whirling the people along.


	9. All Er Nothing/Let People Say We're In Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Several things come to a head, and our idiots finally stop dancing around each other.

Chapter Nine: All Er Nothing/Let People Say We’re In Love

“Ana, hole up.” Newt tugged on Anathema’s sleeve, pulling her to a halt. “We got to have a serious talk, you and me.”

Ana grinned up at him. “Sure, Newton. What’s goin’ on?”

Newt pulled her over to the fence and leaned against it, looking as serious as Ana had ever seen him. “Now that you’re engaged, you’re gonna have to stop having fun.”

“Newt!” Ana cried, looking stricken. Newt held up a hand.

“I mean with other fellas!” He crossed his arms, looking very solemn. “You’ll have to be a little more stand offish, when fellas offer you a buggy ride!”

Ana giggled. “I’ll give a imitation of a craw fish, and dig myself a hole where I can hide!”

Newt made a face. “I heard how you was kickin’ up some capers, when I was off in Kansas City, Mo!”

“Never!” Ana said in a hurt tone.

“I heard some things they couldn’t print in papers, and from fellers who been talkin’ like they know!”

“Foot! I only did the kinda things I oughta. Sorta.” Ana insisted. She smiled coyly at Newt. “To you I was as faithful as can be, fer me. Them stories ‘bout the way I lost my bloomers...”

“ANATHEMA!”

“Rumors!” Ana placated him. “A lot of tempest in a pot of tea!”

Newt huffed. “The whole thing don’t sound very good ta me.”

Ana fidgeted. “Well, ya see...”

“I go and sow my last wild oat, I’ve cut out all shenanigans. I save my money, don’t gamble or drink at the backroom down in Flanagan’s! I give up lots of other things, a gentleman never mentions, and before I give up any more, I wanna know your intentions! With me, it’s all er nothing! Is it all or nothing with you? It can’t be in between, it can’t be now and then, no half and half romance will do! I’m a one woman man, home lovin’ type, all complete with slippers and pipe, take me like I am or leave me be! And if you can’t give me all, give me nothing, and nothing’s what you’ll get from me!”

“Not even something?”

“Nothing’s what you’ll get from me!”

Ana huffed loudly and leaned against the fence. She looked sideways at Newt. “It can’t be in between?”

“Nope.”

“It can’t be now and then?”

“No half and half romance will do.”

Ana ran her hand up and down his arm. “Would you build me a house?”

“Yep.”

“All painted white, cute and clean and purty and bright?”

“Big enough for two but not for three!”

Ana smiled at him. “Supposing that we should have a third one?”

“He’d better look a lot like me!”

Ana smacked his arm. “The spittin’ image!”

“He’d better look a lot like me!”

Ana crossed her arms and glared at him. “With you, it’s all or nothing! All for you, and nothing for me!”

“Ana...” Newt cajoled her, reaching out. She stepped away.

“But if a wife is wise, she’s gotta realize, that men like you are wild and free! So I ain’t gonna fuss, ain’t gonna frown, have yore fun, go out on the town, stay out late, and don’t come home ‘til three! An’ go right off to sleep if yore sleepy! There’s no use waitin’ up fer me!”

“Oh Anathema!”

“No use waitn’ up fer me!”

“Come on and kiss me!”

Ana giggled. “Gotta catch me first!” She ran off, Newt hot on her heels.

Five minutes later, Aziraphale came running into the clearing, pulling Sandalphon along. “Come on, we don’t want everyone to wonder where we are, do we?”

“Hole up a second, Aziraphale.” Sandalphon tugged them both to a halt. “You’re in quite the all fired hurry, ain’t ya?”

“Well, I just don’t want people to worry ‘bout us, that’s all.”

Sandalphon leered at him, and Aziraphale felt his spine turn to ice. “That ain’t it, is it? You don’t want to be alone with me any more than ya hafta.”

Aziraphale tried to keep his voice from shaking. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m alone with you now, ain’t I?”

Sandalphon chuckled. “Oh yeah, and you don’t like it. Don’t think I didn’t notice how fast you urged them horses to go. You didn’t want to be left too far behind with me.” He smiled, and it was almost tender. “Do you remember a few winters back, when I got real sick?”

“Y...yes, I remember.”

Sandalphon smiled at the memory. “And you came to see me, with soup that you had made yoreself, and you asked me how I was, and you put yore hand on my forehead, an’ it was so soft and cool. You ‘member that?”

Aziraphale nodded. “Yes.”

“Because it’s burned in my memory. Every detail of that day. I remember everything you ever said to me. Every word.” He reached out for Aziraphale, who danced out of the way.

“As flattered as I am, we really should get going.”

Sandalphon’s face darkened. “Oh, I see. I ain’t good enough for you, is that it? I’m just the hired hand! I clean up pig slop and muck out stables, so I ain’t clean enough to touch ya, is that it?!”

“N..no...” Aziraphale stammered, terrified. Sandalphon grabbed his shirt and pulled him into a harsh, brutal kiss. Aziraphale froze in horror, then placed his hands on Sandalphon’s shirt and shoved as hard as he could. Sandalphon staggered back, and Aziraphale slapped him as hard as he could.

“HOW DARE YOU!” Aziraphale shrieked, equal parts horrified and furious. “You think just because I was nice to you one time that gives you leave to slobber all over me! Thinkin’ you deserve it as some sorta reward or something! Talking about being a hired hand! Well, let me set your mind at ease, Mr. Sandalphon Fell! Ya ain’t our hired hand no more! You can just pack yore bags and git!” Aziraphale shoved him. “No, I got a better idea! Ya ain’t ta come on the property! I’ll happily send your stuff anyplace you want, but if you set foot on the property, I’ll...I’ll sic the dogs onto ya!”

Sandalphon clenched his fists. “You’ve said your say, and you brought this on yoreself.” He turned and ran away. “I’ll get even!”

Aziraphale leaned against the fence, doing his best to not go into hysterics. “Breathe, Aziraphale, breathe...”

“Aziraphale?”

Aziraphale shrieked and turned. “Oh, Newt. It’s you.” He wiped his eyes. “Don’t suppose you seen Crowley around?”

“Right here, Angel.” Crowley’s voice came from behind him, and Aziraphale turned and threw himself into Crowley’s willing arms with a loud wail. “Hey, what’s goin’ on? I’ll be damned if you ain’t crying.”

Aziraphale clung tighter. “Can’t help it.”

Crowley ran his fingers through Aziraphale’s hair. “Cry all you want, sweetheart.”

Aziraphale sniffled. “I feel so foolish. Dunno what to do.”

Crowley pulled away enough so he could look into the blue eyes he loved. “Well, I got an idea.” He took a deep breath, then pressed his lips gently to Aziraphale’s.

Oh god Aziraphale’s lips were softer than Crowley had ever dreamed, and the scent of him, soil and books and sunlight was filling Crowley’s head, and then Aziraphale was staring at him in shock, and for a second Crowley’s stomach twisted, but then Aziraphale slid his fingers in Crowley’s hair and pulled him into a kiss that made white lights burst before the cowboy’s eyes.

After what could have been hours, days, or centuries, they pulled apart. Crowley blinked, punch drunk. “Wahoo.” He whispered, grinning like a loon.

Aziraphale looked equally as punchy. “Wahoo indeed.”

Crowley shook himself. “Right. So, what’s goin’ on?”

Aziraphale shuddered. “Sandalphon was here, and he...said some things that made me real mad, so I fired him. An’ he...he looked so angry, that I got scared.”

Crowley nodded. “Right, okay. So, firin’ him is a good start. Tell ya what, just to make sure he won’t try nothing, I’ll stay on the property tonight. Make sure you and Tracy are safe. So don’t worry, alright?” He fidgeted. “And uh, while we’re at it, how ‘bout, uh, how ‘bout marryin’ me?”

Aziraphale gaped at him. “Gracious, what would I wanna marry you for?”

Crowley tried not to grin. “I dunno, there must be some reason?”

“Nope, can’t think of one.”

Crowley clasped Aziraphale’s hands. “Please, Angel, marry me. I love you more than anything in this world.”

Aziraphale blushed. “The feeling is very mutual. Yes, Crowley, I’ll marry you.”

“WAHOO! HEY, HEY ANYONE THAT CAN HEAR ME! I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW THAT AZIRAPHALE WILLIAMS IS MY FELLA! AND HE’S WENT AND GOT ME TO ASK HIM TO MARRY ME!”

Aziraphale covered Crowley’s mouth, laughing. “They’ll hear you all the way to Tulsa!”

“LET ‘EM!” Crowley crowed. “Let people say we’re in love!” He belted out. He cupped Aziraphale’s face in his hands, singing softly. “Who cares what happens now?”

Aziraphale grabbed his hand. “Just keep your hand in mine! Your hand feels so grand in mine!”

“Let people say we’re in love!” They chorused together. “Starlight looks well on us, let the stars beam from above! Who cares if they turn on us? LET PEOPLE SAY WE’RE IN LOVE!”

As they kissed again, the world faded to just the two of them.


	10. Oklahoma!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things reach a climax, in more ways than one.

Chapter Ten: Oklahoma!

Aziraphale reached under the table and pinched himself. There was definitely some pain, which meant that he wasn’t dreaming. Which meant that he was really here. Which meant that it had all happened. He and Crowley were really **married.** Elated and happy, Aziraphale looked over at the beautiful redhead sitting next to him, the same punch drunk, giddy smile on his face. Crowley had held Aziraphale’s hand throughout the entire ceremony, and was still rather reluctant to let go. 

Not that Aziraphale wanted him to. He wanted to live forever with Crowley’s hand in his, the callused fingers lovingly stroking his knuckles while Crowley gave him that same soft, shy, loving smile. Aziraphale sighed and laid his head on Crowley’s shoulder. “We really did it, didn’t we?”

Crowley pulled him close, kissing the side of his head. “We really did, Angel.”

“Hey Crowley!” One of the wedding guests spoke up, and Crowley looked over at him. “Were you worried when the preacher asked ‘Do you take this man?’” 

Crowley grinned. “Yeah. That he wouldn’t say it.” Aziraphale laughed, blushing. Crowley smiled at him and kissed his curls. “But I know my angel. There’s no way he would have backed out.”

There was a ripple of laughter around the table. Tracy stood, a glass in her hand. “They couldn’t pick a better time to start in life! It ain’t too early, and it ain’t too late!”

Crowley stroked Aziraphale’s cheek. “Starting as a farmer, Angel by my side!”

“Soon be living in a brand new state!” Aziraphale chorused. 

“Brand new state! Gonna treat you great!” The guests sang out.

“Gonna give you barley!”

“Carrots and potatoes!”

“Pasture for the cattle!”

“Spinach and tomatoes!”

“Flowers on the prairie where the June bugs zoom!”

“Plenty of air and plenty of room!”

“Plenty of room to swing a rope!”

“Plenty of heart and plenty of hope!”

Crowley hugged Aziraphale close. “Oklahoma! Where the wind comes sweeping down the plain! Where the waving wheat is still and sweet, and the wind comes right beside the rain! Oklahoma! Every night my honey lamb and I sit along and talk and watch a hawk making lazy circles in the sky! We know we belong to the land! And the land we belong to is grand! And when we say YO! I YIPPEE YO YEEEAA! We’re only saying you’re doing fine Oklahoma, Oklahoma, OK!”

“O K L A H O M A! OKLAHOMA! YEEAAHH!”

Aziraphale tugged on Crowley’s hand. “Darling, hadn’t we better get ready?” Crowley gulped. 

“Right. Uh, we, uh, gotta get going, need to pack so’s we can catch the train, lovely seeing all of you.” He grabbed Aziraphale’s hand and they ran into the house. Once inside, Crowley dragged him into the bedroom and kicked the door shut. 

Aziraphale attacked his mouth, kissing him with a passion that surprised them both. Crowley moaned into the kiss, wrapping his entire body around his husband’s. Aziraphale lifted Crowley effortlessly, and the redhead swooned. “Oh, Angel.” 

“Do we have time?” Aziraphale whispered in between deep kisses, and Crowley nodded, moaning. Aziraphale turned and headed for the bed, a giddy Crowley in his arms. He tossed the cowboy onto the soft mattress, then, with a grin that set Crowley alight, he pounced. 

“Oh...Aziraphale...” Crowley moaned, and then Aziraphale did something with his tongue that chased away all coherent speech. 

Outside, Shadwell was leaning against the porch, looking very worried. Ike noticed and came over. “Shadwell, you alright? I’ve never seen you so sober at a wedding.”

“Been too worried to drink. Worried that Sandalphon was gonna show up.”

Ike looked at him, startled. “He’s been out of the Territory for three weeks!”

Shadwell shook his head. “He’s back. I saw him last night in town, drunk as a lord. And Crowley’s told me how he threatened to get even with Aziraphale.”

“Well, how about getting your mind off him for a bit. We’re gonna give the boys a good shivering. Wanna join us?” Shadwell chuckled and followed Ike ‘round to the side of the house, where a few cowboys and farmers waited with pitchforks covered in hay. At a nod from Ike, they all began shouting and banging on the wall. “Come out, come out! Yahoo! Come on, you fire headed cowboy!” 

Tracy came out, glaring at them. “What in the world is going on?!” A few cowboys pushed past her, heading right for the bedroom. 

Aziraphale clung tightly to Crowley as they were steered outside. Crowley soothed him. “It’s okay, Angel. They’re just having a bit of fun. It’s alright.” They climbed up on the table, Crowley glaring daggers at the men that had interrupted them. “I’ll get them back, you’ll see.”

“We got a little boy for ya, Crowley!” One of the farmers crowed, waving his hay covered fork. 

“And a little girl!” Slim, one of the cowboys said, waving his own hay. Crowley rolled his eyes and gently shoved them away, still stroking Aziraphale’s spine. They climbed off the table and were about to head back inside when they heard a noise. 

CLANG. CLANG. CLANG. All noise stopped, and everyone turned. Aziraphale went white. 

Sandalphon was banging two pots together, swaying. “I didn’t miss the wedding, did I?”

Crowley wanted to strangle the man. “You did, and you can fuck off.”

Sandalphon looked mightily offended. “Well! Isn’t that nice. Typical. I just wanna kiss the groom.”

Crowley stepped in front of Aziraphale. “Get. Out.”

Sandalphon smirked. “I will. Just let me give him one kiss.”

Crowley snarled. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me. Fuck off, Sandalphon, or I will make you.” Sandalphon scoffed and stepped forward. Crowley reared back and punched him as hard as he could. Sandalphon went spinning. Crowley shook out his hand, grimacing. “Told ya.”

He had just turned to comfort Aziraphale when he heard Slim yell. “Crowley, look out!” He dodged out of the way just as Sandalphon attacked with a haymaker that would have sent him sprawling. He spun on his heel, socking Sandalphon in the jaw and sending the other man staggering off balance. 

Aziraphale watched as the two men fought, landing blow after blow. Crowley was holding his own, but Sandalphon was landing quite a lot of blows. Crowley was breathing hard and bleeding from a dozen small cuts. 

Then Sandalphon reached into his pocket. Aziraphale saw the blade flash and screamed Crowley’s name. The cowboy grabbed Sandalphon’s wrist just as the other man plunged the knife towards Crowley’s heart. There was a struggle, and Crowley managed to bend the knife towards the ground. 

Sandalphon surged forward and tripped over his own feet. He fell, and there was a horrid gurgling sound. 

Ike, Slim, and a few others rushed over. “Careful turning him!” 

Sandalphon’s  knife was sticking out of his stomach. Blood pooled in a tide. Crowley wiped his mouth. “He fell on his knife, that’s what happened! You all saw!”

“Best get him to the Doc’s.” Slim whispered. Ike and Crowley fetched the wagon, and the men carefully placed Sandalphon in it. Crowley went over to Aziraphale. 

“Sweetheart, I’m gonna go with them, okay? See if there’s anything I can help with.”

“No, don’t...” Aziraphale clung to him, sobbing. “Don’t go.”

“Tracy, watch after him?” Tracy nodded. 

“I always do.” 

After they had left, Aziraphale sank onto the porch, sobbing. “Why did this have to happen?”

Tracy put her arm around him. “I don’t know. Alls I know is, there’s only one way to survive such a thing. You gotta be hearty. You gotta have faith in that husband of yours to do what’s right.”

“I wish I could be like you.” Aziraphale said softly. Tracy snorted. 

“Hah! Scrawny and old? You couldn’t pay me to be like I am.” Aziraphale chuckled lightly. 

The wagon returned. “We left Sandalphon at Doc Pratchett’s for the night.” One of the cowboys said. 

“He alive?” Tracy asked, already knowing the answer. 

“No Ma’am.” 

Crowley stepped forward, indicating a tall man with black hair and oddly violet eyes. “Um, you know Gabriel here, he’s the Federal Marshal. He thinks maybe I ought to turn myself in tonight.”

Gabriel nodded. “Be a lot less trouble.” 

“Tonight? But you’re supposed to leave on your honeymoon in two hours!” Tracy said. Aziraphale didn’t say anything, he just burst into tears and ran into Crowley’s arms. Crowley clung to him. 

“I got to obey the law, Crowley. I’m sorry.” Gabriel said, looking contrite. 

“Well, Shadwell’s the law, ain’t he! You’re a judge, ain’t ya?”

Shadwell blinked. “Yeah, but...”

Tracy nodded. “But nothing. We’ll have a trial right here.”

“That’s breaking the law!” Gabriel said, shocked. “I can’t let you do that!”

Tracy smirked. “Well, we ain’t really breaking it. Just bending it a bit.”

Gabriel turned to Shadwell. “You cannot be considering this!”

“Well, I am. I agree with Tracy. You can’t lock the boy up on his wedding night. We can do this fair and legal, even if we aren’t in a real courtroom.”

Shadwell sat at the table. “Crowley, pull up a chair.” Once Crowley was seated, he continued. “So what do you plead?” Crowley looked blank. “Why’d you do it?”

“Oh! Uh, cuz he was always bothering Aziraphale, and uh, I had to defend him, and then I saw the knife, and…”

“And ya had to defend yourself!”

“Uh, yeah.”

Shadwell nodded. “The plea is self defense! Any witnesses?”

“Uh, well, they all saw what happened...” Crowley said. 

“Not good enough! Witnesses?” Shadwell barked. Slim stepped up. 

“I seen it. He tried to stick him with a frog-sticker!”

“Slim, cowman.” 

One of the farmers stepped up. “I saw it to. It was self defense, no doubt about it.”

“Chalmers, farmer.” 

Gabriel started to protest again. Ike glared at him. “You just keep your mouth shut.” Gabriel huffed, then nodded. 

“Right!” Tracy clapped her hands together. “Let’s get these two off!”

“Hold it! I ain’t told the verdict yet!” Shadwell shouted. 

“Well, it’s Not Guilty, ain’t it?” Crowley asked. 

“Well, yeah...”

“Then say it!” Aziraphale cried out. Shadwell opened his mouth. 

“NOT GUILTY!” Everyone chorused. Shadwell slammed his hand on the table. 

“Court’s adjourned!”

Another sound made everyone turn. 

“Why Anathema, where have you been?” Tracy asked. Ana blushed and looked over at Newt. 

“Oh, me and Newt had a bit of a misunderstanding. But he explained it, and everything’s fine.” She said, giggling. Crowley couldn’t help but notice the hay in her hair. 

“Got a surprise for you, Angel.” He pointed down the road. “Member that surrey I told you about?” 

“Yes.” 

Crowley grinned. “Look.” 

Aziraphale gasped in delight. Coming down the road, pulled by a very familiar horse, was the same surrey with the fringe that Crowley had teased him about. “Is that Bentley?”

“Yep. I bought her back. I know you love her just as much as I do.” 

Aziraphale would have swooned in joy if not for the strong arms holding him up. Crowley helped him into the seat. “It’s exactly as you said! Oh, Crowley, it’s beautiful.” Crowley climbed into the driver’s seat. 

“Where to, Angel?”

Aziraphale laid his head on Crowley’s shoulder. “To the world, my love. To the world.”


End file.
